Mammoth Cave National Park
The campsite at Mammoth Cave was nice and the campground was pretty quiet.
The next morning, Day 48, I drove to the visitor center to find a tour (no self-guided trails here). I asked about the tours available. The ranger told me of the most popular there is one about history and one about geology. Of course, I chose the history tour.When I went to get a ticket, I learned the tour was $12! I asked if there was a discount for being a pass holder. I was informed because they didn't charge an entrance fee they don't offer discounts. This, of course, makes no sense because the pass waives the entrance fee. So if the substitute for the entrance fee is a tour, the pass should waive at least a portion of the fee. But then you are counting on Kentuckians to put two and two together, which usually results in five. Then when you asked the typical, two-first-names ol' boy (in this case Joe Bob), he smiles through his six teeth, proudly displaying one more than the average West Virginian, and says, "Yar." And then you're dumber for having entered into a conversation with Joe Bob (or from reading my incoherent rant).
I was given the privilege of being led on a tour by an ol' boy. He had it all down - the accent and everything.By the way, the Kentucky making-fun-of doesn't apply to those of you from Louisville (and maybe even Lexington). Will have to discuss it further if you're from Florence (Y'ALL).
Like many of the other educational experiences I've had, I really don't want to regurgitate everything I learned. Some of the coolest things are Mammoth Cave is the longest cave system in the world. This tour guide also told us every once in awhile he'll get the question, "How many miles of Mammoth Cave haven't been discovered?" What weirder and dumber than the question is that they have an answer for it.
I also learned many of the early tour guides were slaves because "they knew the cave the best." So now, in ranger Joe Bob's own words, I'll demonstrate the ignorance of Southern Kentuckians. I'll do so with an attempt at dialect. Ranger Joe Bob spoke n i c e a n d s l o w.
"That's raight, slauves knew this passageway tha bast. They war tha tore guides fer almost a hunderd in trenty yers. Than tha fedral govinmint sade ain't no colored folk cape-bole of leeding a tore."
Then a few minutes later:
"...Y'all saw that colored man up thar, didn't ya? He's a dar-eck dee-send-int of a slauve that used ta da tores down ear."
He would later use Native American in a context I don't remember. And for those of you unaware, this is not politically correct. The term is now American Indian. And the first people who learn what is politically correct (other than politicians) are those who whose job it is to educate and are employed by the federal government.
Another reason I didn't want to be forced to go on a tour is because it was likely other people would be joining me. Before I met Joe Bob I knew I was going to have some good blogging material.This particular man of interest, his name was Frank and his friend was George. Frank had a syndrome. I have a name for this, but I don't care to share it here; so I'll explain it. When you talk, Frank isn't sure you know he's listening, so he wants to remind you. This is how a typical exchange would go.
Joe Bob (without dialect): The Native Americ-
Frank: Mmmhmm
JB: -ans came down h-
F: Yeah
JB: -ere million of yea-
F: Okay
JB: -rs ago.
F: Well, of course.
Boy does that get annoying. This syndrome is named after a professor I had the great pleasure of talking with on a number of occasions.
Near the end of the tour, Joe Bob tells us how the next national park (not with national park status, but probably a national historic site) will be a place of importance to Barrack Obama. Queue Frank, who saw a great opportunity to explain that Obama is Joe Bob's boss and then make a joke.
Shortly thereafter, Joe Bob was telling us he worked too much this year and couldn't take care of his farm. Then it's George's turn. He says, "Well how many tractors do ya got?"
Are you kidding me?
Joe Bob says, "Two."
"Ha. Well I got fifty-six," George says.
What, do you own John Deere, George?
Joe Bob is a little offended, "I do have a '59 J-"
"Well I've got a '39 Deere with a twin turbo diesel engine that slaughters the cow and turns her into a pig. She's even got a little frying pan so you can cook the bacon right there!"
You win, George.
The only thing I could think at this point was this:
And then I spent Day 49-53 in Ohio.
Kentucky Album
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